Just wishing I could stop time…

 

Time passes so quickly… Just as the blossoms of this years Wisteria. Spending time together with loved ones, allowing flexibility in order to keep the peace can be trying.  As a single mother, I have learned how important it is to have time together, though it is important for all of us to have time to ourselves as well.  I realize how quickly time passes and enjoying moments together mean more than anything in the world.  Busy lives within our growing family, does not always allow for us to cross paths, making the times we all intersect so fulfilling.

It has been difficult to have all Sunday’s just to be together, though in the past month and a half or so we have managed to have a few. Sometimes just a dinner together, sometimes a brunch with friends. There was  holiday away with dad for Julia thrown in and an accident for my son.  More than a month since seeing Adrianna.  I want to stop everything and say we all need to take a time out, together!

I have been missing the idea I had of what a family is to be.  I wonder if because the experience I am offering of family to my children, and how it differs from the experience I had as I was brought up may be part of what fuels my distance at times.  The continual feeling of inadequacy looms over all that I do.  There is no right way, or wrong way long as there is love has always been my thought, so I will try to keep that perspective.  Though I truly miss the togetherness of us all.

Holding down the fort…

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It is challenging to run a household while having a partner, now all on my own it has gone from challenging to just beyond.  Some days I simply want to disappear, and wish that there were not so many tasks on my to do list.  The new year has been off to a start that I truly cannot complain in most respects, I simply wish I had a helping hand, or someone to tell me it will be ok.  Since all of the holiday separation, I have been feeling as though Julia and I have not been connecting in the way I would like, our communication not as friendly, I am sensitive and she is very direct.  I wonder if all my mothering guilt allows for my children to be in charge. That coupled with feeling overwhelmed by keeping it all together makes for a frustration that needs to be redirected, because after all this is what would usually send me to belly up at the bar.

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Our Sunday last week was one that we were together, with a lazy morning, we both do enjoy a cozy room and a movie.  I just knew that I needed to get out and move, breathe fresh air, and my frustrations needed to be directed into positive energy… so to the garden I went.  Physically challenging and mentally calming, it was the best place to be.  Unfortunately Julia does not like the garden, though neither did I as a child, maybe she to will change her ways as I have when she becomes an adult.  Much was accomplished, very tired and sore muscles, and a peaceful evening ensued, as we had a wonderful Sunday supper together.  It was no day in the park, but ended on a wonderful note.  Leaving  more than one task marked off the list of all to keep this home afloat.

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Holiday’s are made for relaxation and reflection

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This photo sums up how I spent my holiday week.  I worked my normal schedule, even working Christmas Eve and day, happily so.  My job is very rewarding and it made me happy to be there.  With an empty house, no school or dance to drive to, the extra time in my day allowed for me to have much more leisure time than I am used to.  I watched movies, read a little, created some new recipes, did a lot of cooking, and some walking as well.  All the while realizing how many things I have to be grateful for.  My beautiful home and community in which I live, healthy children, life itself.  I had been worried that the holidays would hit and I would have a breakdown, being that this is the first holiday season that I have ever spent alone in all my years.  The largest revelation that came to me during this time of reflection is that in my solitude I am not lonely, I felt more lonely in my marriage.  That loneliness perpetuated my solitary cocktails that were necessary to bring a haze that allowed me to muddle through my sadness, and lack of self-love.

I completed my Whole 30 on Christmas day, and the desire for a celebratory cocktail was not there as it had been after the completion of my first time on this program.  Though I stayed busy, and enjoyed the peace and quiet, by Sunday I was beginning to feel a bit lonely.  I called a friend and we got together for a glass of wine, and this is fine I think for me, the battle begins when we finish the bottle and I want more.  This is my struggle.

Julia finally returned home today and we had a wonderful time.  Lunch, conversation, a little fashion show, and even some snuggle time.  We both recapped our week for one another,  and she shared that she is not concerned with me having wine with a friend, proceeding to let me know all that does cause her worry.  Our continued open, honest conversations only strengthen our bond.  As the Holiday season comes to a close, I welcome the new year with optimism, and love, looking forward for our picnics to resume, truly spending our Sunday in the park! Here is my beauty, en pointe…

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Holiday weekends…

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As the holiday season begins, the first as a single mother, after 18 years of marriage, I am unsure how to feel about the loneliness in my home.  Luckily surrounded by my loving dogs, that at times drive me crazy as they are always underfoot, I feel love.  This Sunday Julia will still be with her father, our arrangement is left to her, she decides when and who she wants to be with.  She is the most mature thirteen year old I have ever encountered.  We have always treated her as a person, not as a child, nor have we put restrictions that would impede her ability to make her own choices.  Thus, she is honest about her feelings and expectations of both her father and myself, and ours are clear for her.

This Sunday will still be a picnic day, but for myself to enjoy some solitary time to reflect on my goals as a mother, and as a woman who is looking towards a new future.  I have made many steps forward, and many more steps back in the past nine months.  Now I am left wanting to throw out the restrictions that I have set upon myself, and all of the lack of believing in my abilities to become independent individual.  Each Sunday is new…