…Things are not what I thought they would be.  To be a mother, well it can be the most amazing, uplifting, positive, heartbreaking, disillusioning job one can have.  I don’t want to be a friend, but yet part of me does.  I am always blown away when the moment comes that Julia and I have “a moment”.  We communicate, we are highly evolved beings in this so-called life, then we come to a juncture in which expectation and my needing to draw a line comes to a head. Now at these intersections of time there are two very strong-willed beings, brow to brow, “Damn if I will back down”,is what most likely is going on within both of our minds.

I have been fortunate to be blessed with an extremely intelligent, witty, articulate, independent, responsible daughter.  Being the youngest of three, she has taken in all that she has learned and experienced from her older siblings, which is truly the most wonderful gift of being the youngest.  Now the larger problem, is that this is the kind of individual I am dealing with!

All of my mothering guilt, emotional baggage, temperament and loss of control in past situations, all contribute to my lack of confidence when it comes to discipline.  I’ve screwed up too many times before, therefore just rolling over seems to be the best choice in many occasions, simply imagining the night will end with a snuggle and sweet goodnight. Though my common sense and reason tell me otherwise.  So tonight I did not come by the snuggle I was hoping for, but I received a hug and I love you that confirmed that having expectations prove my love.

Sick days…

A weekend of laying in bed, this time not voluntarily but because I have been under the weather. I suppose it worked out for the best since Julia had unexpected dance rehearsal and was participating in an experiment that was dance based.  I have literally stayed in bed completely, other than to cook and drive Julia where she needed to be. Through all of the Sunday’s this year we have been challenged on actually getting outdoors for a picnic, being that we are fair weathered outdoors women, we have kept the commitment of having our meals together.  Meals free of technology, so we are able to keep a conversation.

This week my son was home for dinner, this was interesting. Opening my eyes to where I have unfortunately  failed as a parent somewhere along the line, because he and Julia seem as though they cannot get along.  He and I mostly get along, though putting us all together, it is rarely smooth. This was a huge detriment to my marriage, to this day I lay fault solely upon myself for not teaching more patience through the action of leading by example. Patience is one of many areas I lack.  I have made great strides in this area, but I need to continue making patience and positive reactions on the top of my list of priorities. When I master patience I believe I will find the inner peace I seek. Finding inner peace will allow me to be free from my desire to get lost and be all that I hope to be.

The amount of time I feel more peaceful are beginning to outweigh the time I feel stressed. Day by day I will reach my goal.