…Things are not what I thought they would be. To be a mother, well it can be the most amazing, uplifting, positive, heartbreaking, disillusioning job one can have. I don’t want to be a friend, but yet part of me does. I am always blown away when the moment comes that Julia and I have “a moment”. We communicate, we are highly evolved beings in this so-called life, then we come to a juncture in which expectation and my needing to draw a line comes to a head. Now at these intersections of time there are two very strong-willed beings, brow to brow, “Damn if I will back down”,is what most likely is going on within both of our minds.
I have been fortunate to be blessed with an extremely intelligent, witty, articulate, independent, responsible daughter. Being the youngest of three, she has taken in all that she has learned and experienced from her older siblings, which is truly the most wonderful gift of being the youngest. Now the larger problem, is that this is the kind of individual I am dealing with!
All of my mothering guilt, emotional baggage, temperament and loss of control in past situations, all contribute to my lack of confidence when it comes to discipline. I’ve screwed up too many times before, therefore just rolling over seems to be the best choice in many occasions, simply imagining the night will end with a snuggle and sweet goodnight. Though my common sense and reason tell me otherwise. So tonight I did not come by the snuggle I was hoping for, but I received a hug and I love you that confirmed that having expectations prove my love.