I do not claim to know what I am doing as a human, nor as a parent. Though honesty, and an open dialogue is what I believe to be the best choice I could make in life. I truly believe that pretending my daughter will either steer clear of, or not be offered drugs and alcohol, is simply to live with blinders. It will happen, and honestly she will most likely partake at some point, so preparation for such moments is the key to helping her make appropriate choices. The discussion we engaged in was quite deep, including my experiences, and what I believe are pros and cons to drug use, as well as tools to be sure whatever choice she makes is educated. We live in an unpredictable world, keeping that in mind, makes the challenge of reminding my children, and myself that to think on our feet, anticipating our responses will only allow for the ability to keep just a moment of control in this existence of chaos.
A lazy day spent with my Julia was a wonderful way to finish off last weekend. Watching movies having lunch, yes in bed again. As I reflect on the conversation that transpired between us, makes me feel as though I am, with all my faults, on the right path with my daughter. Continually she shares with me, sometimes information I do not necessarily want to know, though I need to be aware of in order to help guide her the best I know how. I am so proud of her for sharing with such honesty. A clear indication, that judgment is not part of our relationship.
I know that all who are in my life, those who love me, and at moments try to understand me, they do accept me. I am a conundrum of sorts, I have an appearance to some that is not the same to others, I do not try to put on different hats, but I do know that not all can love and accept the way my children do, in most cases. Being a woman who has always worked very hard, and happily so, I can accomplish most anything. Though, to love myself completely may not be an achievable goal. As I look at myself, my accomplishments, because even the most unaccomplished have not been defeated in all aspects of life, I know that I must keep pushing forward even when I have taken a step back. The goal of having a committed Sunday to Julia, also means listening to what she wants for her day off. I have never, nor will I ever be an ultimatum kind of woman. I discuss, then I usually roll over, going with what the other person desires. This past weekend was a three-day weekend and my social butterfly had many plans, which seem impossible to dismiss. That said, she was with friends. And I was at home with my friends, not what I had hoped for, but we both always make the most of whatever we do, together or independently.
It was foreseen, her want to be off with friends, so a sushi night beforehand, had been put on the docket. I may not know much, but I do know my Julia. We had a wonderful evening with conversation, as always that semi surprises me. The possibility of reading of a Midsummer’s Night Dream, and how the idea would probably not be acceptable to the other parents, being that there is a sexual theme within the story. She made the point that some of the boys may not be ready for such a thing, because of their childishness, and most parents are not as open as I to allow it at all. I simply love that she feels that no topic is off-limits. We continued from there, with so much more. Unfortunately when I wanted to share new parts of my personal life, she did not have such an open ear. She is not yet willing to see all my hats I suppose, we are a work in progress.
We live in such a beautiful place, filled with amazing sights and weather. Spending the day with both of my girls and Julia’s friend was the best way to enjoy a Sunday. We had a picnic lunch of tea sandwiches with many accompaniments, as we soaked in the sun and enjoyed one another’s company. Later in the day walking along State Street creating our wish lists for the holidays.
In the past few months, as I have been trying to gain my footing in my unexpected life as I know it, I have spent far too many Sundays distant and selfishly seeking an altered reality. Friends and good times have a time and a place, though Sundays should be reserved for those who are most important, my children. The reason I have started this movement for myself is to keep focused on what I know to be the most fulfilling way to live my life, focused on being a mother. I will never be able to take back my mistakes, or change who I have been, though I can better my choices and path day by day, loving myself and my beautiful children.
Looking forward to this weeks picnic, our location of the Santa Barbara Zoo is set. This is where our oldest daughter is employed, so it makes not only a beautiful setting, but a way to spend time with family. We can plan our day so that we will be able to enjoy the company of Adrianna, for at least a short time during the day. After all this movement is to encourage time between a mother and daughter, just because our oldest is an adult, does not change how important she is, as a child, but also as an older sister. Proudly we can say she is a wonderful role model for Julia, working hard, pursuing her dreams, and making time for her family.
This weeks menu should be pleasing for Julia, her favorite treat is high tea. I am choosing to make tea sandwiches, a simple salad, and finish with some fruit tarts. Dainty bite size sandwiches seem perfect for a picnic. I am not one who eats many treats, though a simple fruit tart is impossible for me to resist. The idea is set, though exactly what sandwiches we choose to make will stay a surprise!
As a woman who imagined I would only be a wife and mother for all of my life, the idea of becoming an individual has been an extreme challenge for me. To slowly accept the passing of my marriage, has been a road traveled that I could have never foreseen. I have stepped off the path of dignity at times forgetting my true purpose, to support and love my youngest daughter, by showing her the way, by example. Though I can look back and dwell on my regrets, I choose to rise from my ashes and prove myself to be the woman who I was meant to be. With this, I will begin my journey to stay sober, and learn to deal with problems in a healthy way. I hope to improve my writing skills, continue to capture images of our beautiful world, and most of all strengthen myself and my lovely Julia.
For our first picnic the plans changed, and we chose this beautiful spot, our front yard. Quilt and pillows, lazing about.