I know that all who are in my life, those who love me, and at moments try to understand me, they do accept me. I am a conundrum of sorts, I have an appearance to some that is not the same to others, I do not try to put on different hats, but I do know that not all can love and accept the way my children do, in most cases. Being a woman who has always worked very hard, and happily so, I can accomplish most anything. Though, to love myself completely may not be an achievable goal. As I look at myself, my accomplishments, because even the most unaccomplished have not been defeated in all aspects of life, I know that I must keep pushing forward even when I have taken a step back. The goal of having a committed Sunday to Julia, also means listening to what she wants for her day off. I have never, nor will I ever be an ultimatum kind of woman. I discuss, then I usually roll over, going with what the other person desires. This past weekend was a three-day weekend and my social butterfly had many plans, which seem impossible to dismiss. That said, she was with friends. And I was at home with my friends, not what I had hoped for, but we both always make the most of whatever we do, together or independently.
It was foreseen, her want to be off with friends, so a sushi night beforehand, had been put on the docket. I may not know much, but I do know my Julia. We had a wonderful evening with conversation, as always that semi surprises me. The possibility of reading of a Midsummer’s Night Dream, and how the idea would probably not be acceptable to the other parents, being that there is a sexual theme within the story. She made the point that some of the boys may not be ready for such a thing, because of their childishness, and most parents are not as open as I to allow it at all. I simply love that she feels that no topic is off-limits. We continued from there, with so much more. Unfortunately when I wanted to share new parts of my personal life, she did not have such an open ear. She is not yet willing to see all my hats I suppose, we are a work in progress.
“But no one, No nobody, Can give you the power…” This lyric alone from the beautiful song Iron Sky of Paolo Nutini speaks to me, as I continue on my journey of self-reliance, self discovery, and path to loving myself. All that is necessary to allow my ability to become a strong independent woman who can inspire my daughter to be all that she desires to be in life. The song itself is political with a message of independence, hearing the speech from Charlie Chaplin’s THE GREAT DICTATOR, a movie I was introduced to in a philosophy class. Hearing “we are not machines” reminds me that my life does not need to reflect any other.
In Life we cross paths with so many individuals, some who give and some who take, as we do the same. I truly believe that whomever we encounter is for a reason, in the end to teach us who we can be. This song was introduced to me by someone who I may never actually meet in person, someone who has been a great support through this choice to become sober. This chance introduction is what can be so powerful about how small our world has become.
As tomorrow is already another Sunday, the days pass so quickly it seems one day it will just pass me by. I honestly do not know how the day will play out. We had made specific plans, and as life goes… obstacles arise, only to throw us off, this is when I truly need that flexibility in order to roll with the punches. I am learning to not invest too much into looking forward to far, so I do not feel disappointment. That may not be the best way to exist, but for now it is a protection from feeling as though I have failed in some way, a major trigger for my need to get lost.
My reason not to get lost… Julia, and her need for me.
As the holiday season begins, the first as a single mother, after 18 years of marriage, I am unsure how to feel about the loneliness in my home. Luckily surrounded by my loving dogs, that at times drive me crazy as they are always underfoot, I feel love. This Sunday Julia will still be with her father, our arrangement is left to her, she decides when and who she wants to be with. She is the most mature thirteen year old I have ever encountered. We have always treated her as a person, not as a child, nor have we put restrictions that would impede her ability to make her own choices. Thus, she is honest about her feelings and expectations of both her father and myself, and ours are clear for her.
This Sunday will still be a picnic day, but for myself to enjoy some solitary time to reflect on my goals as a mother, and as a woman who is looking towards a new future. I have made many steps forward, and many more steps back in the past nine months. Now I am left wanting to throw out the restrictions that I have set upon myself, and all of the lack of believing in my abilities to become independent individual. Each Sunday is new…