…Things are not what I thought they would be. To be a mother, well it can be the most amazing, uplifting, positive, heartbreaking, disillusioning job one can have. I don’t want to be a friend, but yet part of me does. I am always blown away when the moment comes that Julia and I have “a moment”. We communicate, we are highly evolved beings in this so-called life, then we come to a juncture in which expectation and my needing to draw a line comes to a head. Now at these intersections of time there are two very strong-willed beings, brow to brow, “Damn if I will back down”,is what most likely is going on within both of our minds.
I have been fortunate to be blessed with an extremely intelligent, witty, articulate, independent, responsible daughter. Being the youngest of three, she has taken in all that she has learned and experienced from her older siblings, which is truly the most wonderful gift of being the youngest. Now the larger problem, is that this is the kind of individual I am dealing with!
All of my mothering guilt, emotional baggage, temperament and loss of control in past situations, all contribute to my lack of confidence when it comes to discipline. I’ve screwed up too many times before, therefore just rolling over seems to be the best choice in many occasions, simply imagining the night will end with a snuggle and sweet goodnight. Though my common sense and reason tell me otherwise. So tonight I did not come by the snuggle I was hoping for, but I received a hug and I love you that confirmed that having expectations prove my love.
As the saying goes, there is an exception to every rule, or is there? In fact I believe this to be a false statement. This is a saying or idea has its place in time to exist, mostly for the moments that we are looking for an excuse. The action of doing so can be a detriment to the flow of life in which we want to lead. Exceptions are not to be confused with flexibility, the art of being flexible may help our relationships become more in sync, though exceptions are far more involved than flexibility.
As I look back upon my own life I see how I had taken this idea of making exceptions to heart so much so that I, in most cases have compromised my ideals, beliefs and even at times ethics. These exceptions in which I speak of encompass choices I have made and have now led me to who I have become, and have been left broken because of.
As we make exceptions at moments in which we don’t stand firm on what we know to be right, we hurt ourselves. Including taking charge of our health, overall diet, drinking, drug use and forms of abuse. Learning discipline will be the single most challenging task I want to master. Just this one time… One time can’t hurt… I’ll start tomorrow…. These are all statements I know that each and everyone has said or will say at some point. Once we give in to these exceptions, making allowances for our choice, even trying to justify our actions, we hurt ourselves and to extend this to its logical conclusion we can then hurt those who love us. Sometimes things happen that are beyond our control, situations we could have never foreseen. Without too much detail I will say in my case I made too many allowances, for myself and for others, the kind that have held me back from believing that I have worth. These have been my choices to make, blame lies upon only my shoulders for the reactions and choices that have been at times truly dangerous exceptions, these moments in time the showing of my lack of strength and character continue to be the driving force behind my addiction.
I looked back at some writings and saw this… Drunkenness is like a layer of sheer warmth, convincing me that there is a shield of protection from who I truly am… This is dark and so sad. No more exceptions! That cannot be the kind of statement that I leave behind. Nor is it any way to raise a healthy happy daughter.
So this Sunday I will be having a luncheon with Julia and her friends, and a few of my friends and their children. I want to show them all some appreciation for being part of my life, and of course it’s always fun to cook for others and enjoy beautiful food!