Learning balance, even in moments of challenge

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As the nights come too soon in these winter months, the days do not last long enough, this is when my strength is most challenged.  I have always found the five o’clock hour to be the time that all of my stresses of the day need to be calmed, the way I had always fulfilled the much needed moment of ahhhh, has always been a drink.  I am on a program called the Whole 30, where alcohol is prohibited, as are many dietary restrictions, I have chosen this plan, because it is a challenge, and for me to just say that I wasn’t going to drink was not an option, I know I would never make the changes necessary for my future or health.  As the holiday season is upon us, I thought this is a telling time, because it is a season of eating, drinking and being merry!  The perfect time for a true challenge.  This is the second round for me, the first I completed 36 days, feeling amazing at the end.  I have kept up with the eating plan, a Paleo way of eating, with a bit of cheating on my days off, for this my body has thanked me, energy and weight wise.  Unfortunately I had brought alcohol back in, and for me I didn’t waste time with a few leisurely cocktails with friends on an occasional basis, instead diving right into a bottle of vodka.  A mostly functioning working single mother, with a not so secret habit for some of my friends and neighbors, and definitely not my children.  For most that I encounter on a daily basis, I really don’t know if they could recognize what has been my existence since March, with that small exception of 36 days.  And so again I am on the Whole 30, day seventeen, still the most difficult restriction is having no alcohol, yet I am doing it, and this time around I am learning to cope in new ways with, jogging, yoga, meditation, reading, writing, so much cooking, are all challenges for me, yet the kind that are fulfilling, as well as good for my body and mind.

As we look toward this coming Sunday, the weather shall be our guide, so many beautiful places to visit and enjoy in our area, though a picnic in the rain doesn’t sound like the most fun way to spend the day.  So we will keep it open, awake hoping for sunny weather, if it is not, the challenge of finding the perfect spot for a Sunday in the park will be one I can conquer.

Holiday weekends…

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As the holiday season begins, the first as a single mother, after 18 years of marriage, I am unsure how to feel about the loneliness in my home.  Luckily surrounded by my loving dogs, that at times drive me crazy as they are always underfoot, I feel love.  This Sunday Julia will still be with her father, our arrangement is left to her, she decides when and who she wants to be with.  She is the most mature thirteen year old I have ever encountered.  We have always treated her as a person, not as a child, nor have we put restrictions that would impede her ability to make her own choices.  Thus, she is honest about her feelings and expectations of both her father and myself, and ours are clear for her.

This Sunday will still be a picnic day, but for myself to enjoy some solitary time to reflect on my goals as a mother, and as a woman who is looking towards a new future.  I have made many steps forward, and many more steps back in the past nine months.  Now I am left wanting to throw out the restrictions that I have set upon myself, and all of the lack of believing in my abilities to become independent individual.  Each Sunday is new…