With what has become a very full schedule, not only for myself but my daughter as well, we finally made some time for what we call a MamaLala day. A day for just the two of us.
We always talk about getting out of our norm and doing something new. So we woke up and went into the city. We wandered, we ate, we took photos and we enjoyed one another’s company. We spent most of our time at both the Museum of Contemporary Art, and The Geffen Contemporary at MOCA. Especially on a hot afternoon, it couldn’t have been a better way to spend the day.
To see the interest and inspiration in which was stirred within Julia, was exciting. She has such appreciation for simply lingering amongst the art, reading about the artists and each piece, bringing forth discussion. Ultimately having a realization that she, herself has a desire to create.
Sometimes it feels as though there just isn’t enough time, to connect, to enjoy- to be present with the ones I love. When in reality, there is always a way to do so- even if it is just for a brief moment.
Each day is new, I awake with gratitude for all I have experienced in this life to this point, the good, the bad, the ugly. In my desire to look forward, at times I must look over my shoulder and catch glimpses of my past in order to grow.
Mistakes and consequence can be the most inspiring teachers in life, as long as change and correction of behavior are the outcome. I truly believe that success is based on a basic list of attributes, a list that at times in life I have faltered upon and I continue to strive for…
Generosity of spirit
It has been and will continue to be a struggle to accomplish this list in its entirety, each and every day. Though without struggle and hard work in every way, what would life be worth?
Life is unexpected, though I have only just begun to accept this concept. As one who compartmentalizes close to all that I know, filled with presumptions only to find disappointment because of my well thought out and assumed conclusions. Slowly I continue to search inward allowing for the necessary growth to make the most of each of my days. This paired with my pursuit of acceptance and forgiveness both of myself and those who I want in my life, following my intuition has slowly allowed for a new beginning.
Learning that the saying, never say never rings very true. Having gone through some dark times, filled with anger, charging others with blame, recoiling in shame and letting go so much that self love and worth for a time were lost. Somehow just stopping, starting over and having some independence coupled with solitude has directed my new, yet familiar path.
As I keep my mind open, somehow that inner peace I have always searched for has slowly begun to meterialize.
With all of the daily expectations, desires, obligations and personal needs one experiences, it is hard to be present through all moments of our day. I continually struggle with the ability to have harmony in my life. I have spent most of my existence feeling consumed by stress, depression, with the inability to express myself without my frustration shining through, and in doing so I have lost out on many moments of enjoyment from the gift of this life and the relationships I have had the opportunity to cultivate. Slowly as I have committed to daily rituals in which I can improve my days and health. Meditation and giving thanks expressed through my own personal spirituality has allowed me to keep grounded more than I have been in this life, slowly guiding me to my desired inner peace. This is a daily exercise that is as important as anything physical for me
What’s is gained, this concept of headspace, some insight as I reflect on experiences, what can be learned from them all. Recognition of what my reactions should be in moments of doubt and frustration. Hopefully allowing me to be a better role model and mother than I have been thus far.
Through time I had worried of how to balance, now all I desire is to be present. Our Sunday’s in the park are transitioning from what my original goal had been, though the core of this project has been to simply have a peaceful day together with my daughter. There is no template, just the gift of each day, it is now time to make the most of each that we are fortunate enough to greet.
This is a concept I had never explored nor is it one that had taken much of a second thought. The idea of being present was to me, just being somewhere physically, though I am realizing to be truly present it means so much more. I have added some basic rituals to my morning that have been quite consistent. There are a few practices that I have enlisted to help me become focused on my overall health, meditation being one of them. And yes there have been a few nights I have thrown all out the window, only to wake and question why, why didn’t I just want to be present?!? As one who struggles with the balance of enjoying a cocktail, or to hide behind the sheer warmth of drunkenness as a shield from what I do not want to feel, this idea to be present helps me to define the distinction between unwinding and disappearing. Understanding how to recognize and embrace the emotions and struggles with the ability to be present, hopefully learning from all that I feel and encounter.
Meditation is not easy for me, my mind is always going, an inner dialog seems continuous. Finding and reading a blog post from Flow+Glow on meditation tips for people who cant meditate helped guide me to some apps that have helped to bring me focus at times I have inner chaos. One of these apps is called Buddhify, and it gives one the opportunity to choose a guided meditation at any given time in ones day. There are many tips that I have learned by listening that have been beneficial to my ability to meditate without guidance. One of these moments, is reminding myself to come back to the breath, and be present.
Daily when I take a break from my job, I sit in the courtyard near the fountain and soak in a little sun, a perfect place to listen to a guided meditation, gaining a moment of peace that allows me to refocus and continue with my day and whatever it may bring.
It has been a summer unlike any other. Looking at years past, summer meant camping, beach days, family time simply a little more freedom than enjoyed during the busy school year. This summer was about transitions and personal space. With my inspiration, Julia, away for a length of time that I have never known since her creation. My independent son home more often than I remember in the past few years. Our oldest, Adrianna making accomplishments that have made me discern her from a child to an adult. All the while I am still trying become comfortable in my own skin, realizing my days have so much beauty and joy, even though there is an absence of what I had expected.
Julia and I enjoyed a weekend away, celebrating Adrianna and my birthday, finally having a Sunday in the park.
In the past I have lost focus of what my purpose is. There have been some changes in my daily life that have allowed for me to reclaim my reason. Knowing that for me there is always a struggle to balance all that is expected, not just of myself, but that in which is expected and needed by my beautiful children and family. I look to Julia and at times as I catch myself, just admiring all that she is. She truly gives me strength in my parenting, it’s not that I haven’t made mistakes as a parent, the mistakes I have made could fill a novel (my older children can attest to this fact). Though there is a way in which Julia carries herself, conveys her feelings, and has an absolute honesty helps to solidify that for us, it is good, we are good.
All that is meant to be will fall into place.
…Things are not what I thought they would be. To be a mother, well it can be the most amazing, uplifting, positive, heartbreaking, disillusioning job one can have. I don’t want to be a friend, but yet part of me does. I am always blown away when the moment comes that Julia and I have “a moment”. We communicate, we are highly evolved beings in this so-called life, then we come to a juncture in which expectation and my needing to draw a line comes to a head. Now at these intersections of time there are two very strong-willed beings, brow to brow, “Damn if I will back down”,is what most likely is going on within both of our minds.
I have been fortunate to be blessed with an extremely intelligent, witty, articulate, independent, responsible daughter. Being the youngest of three, she has taken in all that she has learned and experienced from her older siblings, which is truly the most wonderful gift of being the youngest. Now the larger problem, is that this is the kind of individual I am dealing with!
All of my mothering guilt, emotional baggage, temperament and loss of control in past situations, all contribute to my lack of confidence when it comes to discipline. I’ve screwed up too many times before, therefore just rolling over seems to be the best choice in many occasions, simply imagining the night will end with a snuggle and sweet goodnight. Though my common sense and reason tell me otherwise. So tonight I did not come by the snuggle I was hoping for, but I received a hug and I love you that confirmed that having expectations prove my love.