Disconnect

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For me the disconnect is at times what allows me to continue, it is on so many levels, of emotion, from society, from those I love.  As of late I have become very frustrated by feeling the need to be responsive to many, in this time of living with our phones continually in our hand, I become overwhelmed.  Engaging with others at times can become a chore, it is not that I do not want to remind those whom I care for that they are on my mind, though I hope they do not need continual reassurance of my love.  I retreat, I sweep my issues under the rug so to speak, and luckily I have many animals that I can happily just enjoy the peace with at times.  I have simply become overwhelmed by all that is expected of me, and finding the balance to be myself, who that is I still do not know.  Unfortunately I am finding that my need for disconnect can cause concern, and even resentment.  My poor communications skills have not helped this situation to any degree.  Turning off, to do some cooking or gardening saves me.

I have been on this journey of self discovery while learning to live a solitary life, with my children for almost at year now, having my greatest desire to find some inner peace, hoping to find what my purpose truly is.  My new year has been filled with conflict, within myself.  My ambition becomes stunted by my need to disappear, not following through with  commitments I had made to myself, including my path to sobriety, and my relationships with my children, I wonder if my standards are set too high.

I have had a wonderful week with Julia, she will be away with her father for this weekend, so my disconnect and reflection in solitude will continue.

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