And so it begins… With an apology

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The new year has begun, out with the old, in with the new as they say. In my time of peace and solitude during Julia’s absence through the holiday, first with her father and then off to spend time with her friends, I was able to look ahead at what I hope to accomplish to continue this journey of finding who I am as an individual. I made it through my Whole 30 and feeling wonderful, continuing with eating Paleo, with a few allowances on days off, continuing with exercise and mediation, now left to wonder can I do this forever? Or am I capable of only powering through the 30 days alone. The diet and exercise are in check, I would like to continue further with the meditation to gain more self awareness.  And as of last week I had successfully been able to have a glass of wine socially, and not let it get too far out of hand.  Unfortunately, I was not able to do so this week, a beautiful dinner, then ended up moving to the bar, and for me the exact same thing happened as it always does. I simply cannot have one cocktail, and ultimately my sadness, and feeling of out of control take over and culminates into an anger that pushes all who care for me, away.  Thus, I am not able to have just one, not be in that atmosphere, I am kidding myself if I thought that I would be able to.  So an entire day of regret, dissapointment and sadness consumed me, not allowing me to be productive, nor enjoy the gift of waking up to a beautiful world.  Including some mending of relationships, apologies necessary.  The thing with apologies, is that unless there is change, or progress without a repeat of the behavior, the apology is meaningless.  I must make this apology count, for if I do not I will forever be living in this cycle of regret and sadness, never to live a happy life.

My my most happy place, is my bed and bedroom, it is peaceful, it is serene and holds me in as if I were on a cloud. Here I am myself, here I feel safe and see all my own beauty and abilities., unlike when I step outside my bedroom door.

Julia was tired from such a long socially packed calendar to start the day off, I was regrettably hung over, it was a chilly Sunday, and I cannot think of a time of day that breakfast in bed wouldn’t sound amazing.   So we laid  in bed, having breakfast in the afternoon watching a movie and just relaxing.   Peaceful, not too much in the way of conversation, just being close and next to one another.  Sometimes simply being in the presence of the ones we love, in absolute silence can be just as a beautiful connection,  and on this Sunday it was all that We needed.  So now I will push on, not looking at my faults and allowing them to take me back to self loathing, but to know I learned something about myself, accepting my own apology.

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